First Post

Ive been wanting to write a blog for some time now, mainly for myself. To express myself and to help myself grieve through this journey.
My husband & I have been struggling with unexplained infertility.
I went off birth control 2 years ago, for a year we were having casual, stress free, non planned sex.
We were seen at the fertility clinic last July 2013.
Since we have had 5 rounds of clomid (50 mg), then a two month break (as you cant be on clomid for too long) and for the past 2 months Ive had 2 IUI's with 100 mg of clomid, HCG Trigger shot, as well as ultrasounds.
Neither IUI's have worked. We will do one more IUI next month, but I feel that IVF is necessary for us. 

I just found out about this last IUI not working, yesterday. I knew in my body that it hadnt worked.
October 2012 I was a little bit pregant. I knew right away, I felt it in my body- in my breasts mainly, aslo I felt naucious. I went in to the doctor in the morning before work and he informed me that the pee test had come back positive. I was elated! He sent me for blood test to confirm pregnancy. However, the results from the blood test were negative. I had a chemical miscarriage.


I have always been concerned about infertility. I remember I had a teacher in high school whom I felt connected with in a strange way. Hearing of her infertility was haunting for me, even at such a young age.

I free robbed that Im not able to conceive as it is a right that women should be able to bare their own children. For me it is an innate need. For women in my family, and most friends that I know conception has been very easy. Recently at work colleagues were talking over lunch about how "easy" it was for them to conceive without even planning. I was so hurt and sad that I had to leave the room. Later both women apologized to me and recognized that they had hurt my feelings.

I wonder sometimes if Dennis & I are just not meant to be and if this is a message from "god". I try not to get into that head space very much as it is damaging for me, and my marriage. 

Im scared about IVF, and am starting to think and worry quite a bit about it. Financially but more it not working and how damaging that will be for me, emotionally. It's been so tough. At times I feel fragile and an emotional mess but it seems to really go in waves. Right now Im emotionally fine and balanced, which is surprising as Ive just found out the second IUI didnt work. I think this time though I didnt psych myself up for it; I went into it with doubts that it would work. Dennis would like for me to be more positive through this process, he thinks it would help but Im done with that.